Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Change ...

His hand. The one I have held for nearly 20 years. I reached for each it ... for security ... to calm my pounding heart. Jerry and I ... our 3 boys ... we stood during worship at an unfamiliar place ... a different church. Doing something I somehow knew was going to happen but had managed to avoid for ... well ... too long. We were visiting a different church.

Change ...

It's not something I run after, desire ... enjoy. I'm a 'constant' kind of gal. I like things just the way they are and no 'rocking the boat' please. Anyone who knows me will tell you right away, I don't handle change gracefully. I fight it ... kicking ... screaming ... crying ... all the way.

Why? I could run off a list of reasons but for now I'll leave it at this ... Change means leaving the known and venturing out into the unknown. For me, that means ... leaving security. I have always been insecure. Thus, the screaming and crying when I am forced to leave security.

Now that you know that and I've let you in on a rather large flaw in my character, you'll be better able to understand why the last six weeks have been difficult for me ... my family. We've been 'visiting' a different church.

Seven weeks ago, Jerry and I had the longest, most spiritual discussion of our marriage (17 years). We shared a common desire to see changes in our boys (and in us). Was it church? A 'stand still' in spiritual growth? Not that we blamed or found fault in our long attended church or the people we love within the walls of that space ... there was just something moving us in a different direction. I believe ... sometimes God puts a disquiet in our hearts ... our spirits, so that we will be motivated to do something. Something He knows will bring us farther in our walk with Him ... closer to Him.
This choice wasn't made quickly ... it was not easy. I fought this change for months. I asked God for something else, something besides ... change. Each time I prayed, the answer was the same ... move ... change.

Seven weeks ... nearly two months ... I could say I feel lonely or separated but that would be a lie. I feel anything but those things. Somehow during this time of growth, I've learned to trust. I have realized my fear of change is really a lack of trust. And, I have been leaning on God's strength to get me through change. He's given me an incredible peace. I'm not sure where my family will land but I know He will be there waiting for us. As long as we trust Him and His guidance, He'll get us through. And ... right now, I am loving the people in this new space. They have welcomed our family of five without any reservations. I am left with a feeling that drowns all my insecurities.

Six weeks after that first Sunday ... I don't reach for Jerry's hand out of insecurity. There's no pounding in my heart associated with fear of the unknown. I reach for it because ... it feels right. This place ... feels right.

Daniel 2:21 "He changes times and seasons; he deposes kings and raises up others. He gives wisdom to the wise and knowledge to the discerning."

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